By: Rob Maybruch F.U.C.K S.H.I.T U.P
I can’t explain the world we’re in better than this guy, so I’m not going to try-
The obvious next event is, in fact, a zombie apocalypse. I know you’ve all seen the movies. What do they all start with? A mother f*****g pandemic!
Let’s be real people. Us non-essentials have had some fun the last 2 weeks sinking into our couches, stuffing our faces with cake and Cheetos, and (*Tiger Kind Spoiler*) watching a meth-head hitman take a bubble bath on Tiger King. It’s the end of the f*****g world people! We need to get it together!
The time has come. Zombies are literally a day away from becoming an ACTUAL thing. Now, we have a choice. We can sit on our asses hoping to find that Cheeto that fell in-between the cushion 3 days ago, or we can get ready to kick ass and take names!
Fear not because if you’re ready for zombie killing bootcamp, I have extensive experience in the subject. I hold 3 well regarded certifications that qualify me as an expert on the matter:
-Foremost undead certified kick-asser (F.U.C.K)
-Super human invasion training (S.H.I.T)
– Certified Undead Persecutor (U.P)
If you can’t trust me to prepare you from imminent doom, I don’t know who you can trust? Worry not! For you will be ready for the apocalypse. We will need to train daily to ensure survival. First and foremost, we need to truly understand the zombie before we can smash its brains in.
Always remember:
If your stamina < zombie stamina = you’re dead
For real, they’re not fast, but their stamina is absurd.
Rule #1: Build stamina to escape
Rule #2: Build strength to climb over obstacles and wield close combat weapons
Rule #3: Perform short & efficient training to have more time for killing zombies
All this can be accomplished with 3 simple exercises:
- Mountain climbers
- Shadow boxing
- High knees/running in place
Do these exercises everyday and progress as you start to feel like you own your workout. Own your workout….own those undead bastards before they dick you. Start with:
1 min Mountain climbers
2 min Shadow boxing
1 min High knees/running in place
2 min Shadow boxing
Rest, then repeat once more. Once you start improving, you can do the circuit 3 or 4 times or do each exercise for longer. If 1 of these causes pain or feels awkward, you can repeat another exercise in its place.
DO NOT BE FOOLED! I’m telling you as a master of zombie destruction, don’t be fooled by simplicity. This circuit is simple in design, but will noticeably improve your strength and stamina which is the perfect recipe for training.
Below are tips for each exercise.
Mountain Climber
Normal: Exactly like high knees, but in a pushup position
Easier: Elevate your hands to a couch or chair
Harder: After 10 seconds “walk” sideways in your pushup position.
Hardest: Combine “harder” with pushups
Shadow Boxing
Start with a simple: jab, cross
Add some footwork: jab, cross, move left, jab, cross
Add more punches: jab, cross, hook, uppercut
Continue adding footwork with punches making different combinations. Keep those zombies guessing.
Always remember, zombies will kill you. Be relentless and take no mercy!!!
Go get ‘em!
-Rob Maybruch F.U.C.K S.H.I.T U.P